Subject: 101 Signs you may be a Redneck (fwd) 101 SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE A REDNECK (Revised Collector's Edition) 1. You'll swerve through four lanes of traffic during rush hour to hit some road-kill. 2. Your wife makes a mean squirrel casserole. 3. With just one sniff of some cow manure, you can identify the breed of cattle it came from. 4. You dream of a shopping spree at Billy Jack's Sport Shack and Tackle Shop. 5. Your belt buckle is bigger than most hubcaps. 6. You sleep with your loaded shotgun under your pillow in case a 'possum wakes you up in the night. 7. You think The Dukes of Hazard t.v. series is based on a true story. 8. You can't figure out why lite beer weighs just as much as the regular beer. 9. You took your wife to a monster truck show on your honeymoon. 10. You consider Roscoe's Burger Barn a five-star restaurant. 11. Nearly a third of your 87 cousins are named Billy Ray. 12. You have a prized hat collection of every major farm equipment and fertilizer supplier. 13. You have a lifetime subscription to Tractors Illustrated. 14. You think toothpaste is for cake decorating. 15. You can say complete sentences without using a single word from Webster's Dictionary. 16. You are a proud member of the belt buckle-of-the-month club. 17. At the age of 35, you suddenly get "hooked on phonics." 18. You don't know whether you should call Betty Sue your cousin or your sister-in-law. 19. You have to dust off the silverware each year when relatives come over for Thanksgiving. 20. You're related to everyone within 5 miles from your house. 21. Your idea of fireworks is a stick of dynamite and a can of gasoline. 22. The most popular names for your new baby boy are Milo, Deek, and Jerry Don. 23. You've been in at least two bar room brawls with your girlfriend's husband in the past month. 24. You've been in numerous lengthy discussions concerning crop rotation. 25. Your "rich" neighbor has a bigger house trailer than you do. 26. Your cousin Bubba has your wife's name tattooed on his left bicep. 27. You trim your beard with a weed-eater. 28. The barber lost three combs in your hair the last time you had it cut. 29. You are solely responsible for keeping your favorite chew company from going bankrupt. 30. You feel that the true sign of manhood is being able to ride the mechanical bull for more than a minute. 31. You've had countless mornings when you tried to milk the dog because you were still drunk from the night before. 32. You honestly believe that Alpo makes for a darn good beef substitute. 33. You get kicked out of the KKK for being too racist. 34. For a real treat, you barbecue Spam on the grill. 35. Your self-written cook book entitled Otis Jackson's Road-kill Delights becomes a best-seller in the neighborhood. 36. You lost a finger while throwing beer bottles at road signs. 37. You've sent in a resume to appear on America's Most Wanted. 38. You drive your house trailer to the body shop to get new siding. 39. You consider indoor plumbing a frivolous luxury. 40. 2 Live Crew finds your grandmother's language offensive. 41. Your family tree looks like a railroad switch yard. 42. Your farm animals have cleaner living conditions than you do. 43. You nearly laugh yourself to death as you watch a tornado blow your neighbor's house away. 44. You think beef jerky would be a good flavor for ice cream. 45. You take your wife out to Hot'N'Now on your anniversary. 46. You compare gunshot wounds with your buddies which came as a result of horseplay on your last hunting trip. 47. The kids beg you to make more Carp-on-a-stick. 48. After taking a bath, the bath water must be disposed of at the wastewater treatment plant. 49. You hitchhiked over 500 miles to attend SquashFest '92. 50. You carve the Thanksgiving turkey with a chain saw. 51. You think about starting a "Willie Nelson for President" campaign but you never get around to it. 52. You think the "seven-year itch" has something to do with your underwear. 53. Several airplanes have tried to land in your field after confusing the headlights on your truck with O'Hare International Airport. 54. Grits are the main staple of your diet. 55. The public library does not have any books above the fourth grade reading level. 56. You have to rent the Silverdome for your family reunion. 57. When your favorite chicken dies, you have it stuffed. 58. You get teary-eyed at the sight of the Confederate flag. 59. Some scientists request to carbon-date the junk in your yard. 60. You are 100% sure that your pickup truck can pull any other vehicle out of the ditch. 61. Some of your best poetry appears on bathroom stalls throughout the state. 62. Knowing that you are going to appear on television, you don your best hunting cap and plaid flannel shirt. 63. You swear and honestly believe that your cousin Earl once shot a 58-point buck in his backyard with a BB gun. 64. The cure for cancer just might be growing in one of those old beer cans out in your garage. 65. When you go to church for a major holiday, you think the offering plate is for beer money. 66. Your ex-wife left the state and changed her identity. 67. Your Grandma Eunis refuses to tell you the secret ingredient in her famous road-kill pot pies, but you love 'em just the same. 68. Your friends think you are a celebrity because your picture appears in post offices throughout the nation. 69. You feel that Hee-Haw is the ultimate in family entertainment. 70. You plan to have your good buddy Dwain sing "There's a Tear in My Beer" at your next wedding. 71. Your best pair of pants are some Wrangler jeans with only three holes and a small grease stain. 72. Your cheeks have the natural flavor of Skoal. 73. Your CB handle is Big Daddy Weasel. 74. One sample-size bottle of shampoo lasts you for a whole year. 75. You're the skinny-dipping cannonball diving champ at family reunions. 76. Scientists believe to have found prehistoric artifacts embedded in the mudflaps on your pickup truck. 77. The only comic strip you ever read is "Snuffy Smith" and you have a hard time understanding it. 78. You don't need a fishing pole to go fishing--just a shotgun. 79. You drive the tractor into town for beer and groceries. 80. You've got a year's supply of beef jerky in the glove compartment of your truck. 81. You've always dreamed of visiting Yosemite National Park to meet your childhood idol, Yosemite Sam. 82. You park your truck by the football field on Friday nights to light it up with your headlights. 83. You would sell the house trailer to get front-row tickets to watch "Hacksaw" Jim Dugan in a World Wrestling Federation match. 84. You can identify each of your sixty-seven chickens with your eyes blindfolded. 85. You decide that the best way to install a sunroof in your car is with a chain saw. 86. The pitch fork toss was a track & field event at your high school. 87. You have trouble fitting your comb, your cigarettes and your can of chew all in your back pocket. 88. You share the same tastes in food as your pet dog, Yeller. 89. Your homemade moonshine can also be used as an all-purpose industrial strength cleanser. 90. A high school diploma would be the first in the history of your family. 91. The mud that is caked on your pickup truck dates back to the early 1970's, but you won't wash it cuz it hides the rust. 92. You speak English as a second language to Redneck. 93. You think that crushing beer cans on your forehead will attract women. (and it usually works) 94. You claim that beer provides all of the essential vitamins you need to make it through the day. 95. You once had to have a wad of chew surgically removed from the inside of your cheek. 96. You celebrate Hank Williams Jr.'s birthday as a national holiday. 97. You are wanted in ten counties for cow-tipping. 98. You've never missed a presentation of the Country Music Awards. 99. You would like to see the tractor pull become an Olympic event. 100. Your kids dress up as Willie Nelson for Halloween. 101. You live in Howe, Indiana.